The First

So this is my very first blogging attempt, I am writing because of the encouragement coming from my Dads, +Daniel Mellmann and +David Ridsdale, and the knowledge that they and +kym brown will all read it and my words won't go nowhere. There is also the the heart-stopping fear that comes from the realisation that my brain is slowly crumbling into nothing and soon I fear I will no longer be able to carry out an intelligent conversation about anything other than 'Peppa Pig' or the colour of baby poo.
     

          I blame the crumbling of my brain on the two absolute joys of my life, my daughter, Hazel Rosa Priya Tantram, and my son, Briar Peter Gregory Tantram (writing out there full names was actually VERY necessary as I picked all of them for very important reasons and quite often feel they don't get used enough).
Anyone who knew me growing up will probably know of my love of animals, all animals, not just the cute ones, and the fact that I will be a Vet (note I used 'will' and not 'want to'). I made this decision sometime before the age of five and I believe before I even had a word to describe what it was that I actually wanted to do with my life (successful Veterinary Surgeon with five kids, man optional) and up until 29 months ago I was well on track to achieving this goal  (passing 7 of the 8 units of my university course, Bachelor of Animal and Veterinary Biosciences). I guess it really started just over four years ago when I met 'That One' (I feel I am too young and it is too early to really know if he is THE one but he is most certainly THAT one), I won't go into too much detail now, but the story of what happened then includes a girlfriend and under-aged drinking and did not end with any friendships intact, in fact, 'That One' did not speak to me for almost two years until we clumsily and not-quite-drunk-enough-edly slept together (not the first time for either of us but we were both still terribly inexperienced), quite a while after the girlfriend was out of the picture I hastily add. After that I left almost immediately to start what I was sure was the rest of my life filled with study montages and whirlwind romances. Disappointingly, the 'rest of my life' was a bit of a let down and when I finally came home for the summer holidays, a whole year later, I was well and truly (excuse my crass) ready to get laid, and I did. That alcohol and drug hazed night ended in pregnancy.
         

           I knew immediately that I was pregnant, I took a home pregnancy test that came up negative, I didn't believe it. I went to the doctors to take another, it lied to me too. I took a third and it came up positive, I found out eight days before Christmas 2010. I immediately texted my two closest girlfriends, one who responded with "What are you going to do?" (I don't speak to her any more)  and one who responded "Can I be the Dad?" (She's my Wifey). I would have been more than happy to take my Wifey up on her offer because 1) I love my Wifey and she would make a wonderful Father (or Mother), and 2) Jimmi (That One) and I were in no way in a relationship, but I felt obligated to give him a chance (a decision I occasionally regret but I've always gotten over it so far). he was, of course, shocked initially and then was wonderfully willing to embark on this scary journey with me (I was 18 and he was 19 at the time of conception). He loves to tell me how he was about to ask me out when I told him about the pregnancy and, although there is no way of proving the truth of those words, I love to hear it.

           I (quite ridiculously) tried to continue on with my studies full-time, a decision which lead to me throwing up multiple times nearly every morning because my morning sickness was morning-motion sickness? and it was a two hour trip to uni by public transport..... lets just say I failed everything and leave it at that. I left after the first semester and (against all better judgement) moved to Bairnsdale (where Jimmi grew up). I had grown up in the area and had gotten out as soon as I could. We rented a house from Jimmi's Mother's new girlfriend's ex-girlfriend (the joys of a small town) and were very happy, our daughter was born on the 26th of August at 11.41pm by way of emergency caesarean (her arm was doing funny things and although I wanted a natural birth I was not willing to dislocate her shoulder to have it). about seven weeks after she was born I had my "baby blues" I blamed it on having to put of my wants and a fear of only ever being 'Hazel's Mum' any more. I beat those feelings off by; going back to uni (bad decision) full-time (monumentally bad decision). Let's just say I failed everything and leave it at that (new baby, travelling eight hours every weekend).

            Then came the conscious decision to have a second child (many reasons, but mostly so I felt justified in leaving uni again). it took us three months to conceive after I came off the pill and I was happy again (if a little crazy/hormonal). When our lease was up we wanted to move but no one would rent to us quick enough and we made the decision to buy a house and actually bought a house in the span of eight days. We moved into our home sixteen days before Hazel's first birthday, I was three months pregnant. Six months later our son was born by way of a planned caesarean. he is eight weeks old today and I am starting to feel as if I have come around full circle, I can feel the "baby blues" starting to creep into my mind again, fuelled by my feelings of stupidity and inadequacy the same as last time but with the added worries of 'Does Jimmi even like me any more or is it just easier for him to put up with me than actually leave me?' (just something I worry about) and 'Why is my baby so upset all the time?' When Hazel was a little baby she was happy, she would cry when she had a reason to and occasionally had bad days, but Briar doesn't ever seem to be happy for more than five minutes, currently he is lying in the dark and has been crying for more than four hours, with short breaks for feeds and jiggling, which never seem to help for long, he doesn't seem to be in pain, but I worry because, what if it's my unhappiness seeping through into him? What if he is like this his whole life? I listen to him and he just sounds sort of pathetic, I really hope it is the change n my hormone levels that is making me imagine all of these non-existent problems.

     Aaaahhh went a bit further into that than I intended, oh well, I only wanted to touch on that to say that instead of trying to go back to study to get away from these feelings I am attempting to get back to reading instead, my goal is to read every book on the Dymocks 101 list (http://www.dymocks.com.au/Booklovers/101club.aspx) in no particular time frame (maybe before I die?) and after I've done that (possibly could take a while as some bright spark put the fecking bible on the list, but hey) I will re-evaluate the whole 'return to study' option, maybe a TAFE or short course to start off with and then see how I go. So far I have read the following ; 
1. The Harry Potter series - J K Rowling 
2. The Hunger Games trilogy - Suzanne Collins 
3. The Hobbit - J R R Tolkein
4. Twilight - Stephanie Meyer
5. The Power of One - Bryce Courtenay
6. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
7. Little Women - Louise May Alcott
8. The Mortal Instruments series - Cassandra Clare
9. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
10. Mao's last Dancer - Li Cunxin
11. Looking for Alaska - John Green
12. My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult
13. Vampire Acadamey - Richelle Mead
14. The Magic Faraway Tree - Enid Blyton
15. The Catcher in the Rye - J D Salinger
16. Eragon - Christopher Paolini
17. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - C S Lewis
18. The Host - Stephanie Meyer

I have 82 books to go.
           That's probably enough of a ramble for the first blog and I will apologise for and grammatical errors as if I proof read it I will probably get too nervous to post it.