Nine months to grow a baby, nine months to get over it.

Hello, my name is Jarra and a few weeks ago I tried to kill myself.
For those of you who know me I'm sure this will come as a bit of a shock. You are also probably not too pleased about finding out this way, but honestly, is there a way I could tell you that would make you happy? It would be really easy for me to point my finger at my children and say 'it was them, they drove me crazy' but that wouldn't even be a little bit accurate. I will start by telling you that I took 28 paracetamol tablets because I saw them on the floor and thought 'Pills? People kill themselves with pills and I want to die, I wonder how many I should take?'. You can tell it was a very spontaneous decision and I didn't plan it at all, mainly because I didn't even Google it to see if it would work (I later found out that is an incredibly painful death over 7-10 days, good choice Jarra).
Later, when Jimmi came in to see if I had stopped crying (he was getting pretty sick of me crying all the time at this point) I told him what I had done and he went off to Google it. Unfortunately he googled 'penicillin overdose' by mistake so we spent the first half hour thinking I was going to be just fine. After we realised he called the ambulance for me and I was treated. I had to stay in hospital for a couple of nights but they let me out for Halloween.
I'm still not convinced it was me who made the decision to take the tablets, I mean, I remember taking the tablets but it is not something I ever thought myself capable of doing, and not something I'm dying to try again (badpun). But I guess unless you have been in that state yourself you probably can't understand it at all either.
I have postnatal depression, caused by hormone imbalances completely beyond my control. I realise that that talking to people was an option so when people say 'maybe you should talk to me next time' it seems a bit silly, I did consider talking to people, I dropped a few subtle hints, but ultimately I felt like if I stood up and declared my depression that I would be labeled an attention seeker, or told to suck it up because I CHOSE to have two children close together, well now, I call bullshit! As I said before {hormone imbalance} {beyond my control}. Maybe if there was less stigma around mental health I would have felt able to open up sooner and my condition wouldn't have escalated.
I am proud to say that I fall into the 'good enough' category of mothers, my house is MUM! perfectly clean, it is good enough. My children do not eat only organic food and never have lollies or take-away but they eat plenty of fruit and vegetables and that is good enough. I let my kids watch a lot of t.v., but it is mostly dvds and all approved by me and that is good enough. I did not baby-proof my house like crazy when Briar was born, in fact yesterday I put him on the floor and just followed him around picking up and moving everything he touched that he shouldn't, we made it into a game that Hazel joined in on and I spent time with my kids rather than trying to appear perfect, and that is good enough for me.
It doesn't really  matter to me anymore if your idea of a 'good enough' mum matches my idea of a 'good enough' mum. I learnt a lot from ALL my parents (what to do AND what not to do) and I am doing my very best, of course there will always be ways I want to better myself, but I think that could be really healthy if I'm not too hard on myself.
I am a good enough mum, and I want everyone to know it!

Five little piggies

Blech! Last night, for the first time in almost two and a half years, I drank enough to get me drunk. I think I drank a bit over two bottles (9 standard drinks) of Moscato and two glasses of another not so sweet white wine, so I am a bit seedy today.

My Wifey and I dressed up all pretty

  Yesterday two high school friends of mine got married, YAY! They are such a cute couple and I feel ridiculously happy for them considering it doesn't affect me in the slightest (it's possible that this is a normal reaction to weddings but I don't go to enough of them to be sure). they had a beautiful ceremony outside next to a creek in a secluded camp in the middle of the bush and the unreliable May weather held out until they had signed the papers. the reception was held at the local race course and after the first bottle of wine I didn't even feel the cold any more. the food was quite amazing, appetizers of prawns and risotto balls and savoury tarts, mixed platter for entrée, feta and spinach stuffed chicken or steak for the main and a ridiculously exciting lolly bar for dessert (the excitement may or may not have been fuelled by alcohol). I had a wonderful time, although it was quite nerve racking at one point when I realised that every man I had ever slept with was in attendance (small towns 'eh?) and that all four of them were happily chatting around the table.

the Bride and Groom's rings, fell the love people.

     The down side to that wonderful night was that  in one short night I put on all the weight I had lost the previous week, a little disappointing but I am no less motivated. I no longer go for my runs at 3.30 in the morning but I switched them out for wiifit-ing at 5am and run/walking at 7pm. my wiifit routine consists of 14 minutes of yoga every morning (excluding the hung over ones) and alternating 20-25 minutes of aerobics or muscle workouts, they leave me feeling quite refreshed and ready to take on the day although they have turned my already high hunger rate into something quite shocking, but I guess breastfeeding and excersise will do that to you . If there is one thing I learnt about making routines in the last two weeks it is that you may need to try many different versions before you find one that fits, and you should always have flexibility as an option, especially with tiny humans involved.
    this week has been extremely laid back, I was even inspired to make a 'Meme', because Hazel went on a little holiday, she is getting back tomorrow after spending the week with my grandparents. she visits them every other month and while it is a long time I feel really good about it. Up until the age of five I spent a great deal of time with my grandparents, they worked days and my mum worked nights so they baby sat a lot and having emigrated from Germany they spoke German to me, my age and the frequency of the visits meant that I picked up a great deal of the language that I don't think I'll (or want) to ever lose. I want this a crazy amount for my children because having that extra advantage helped in school (German was my 'bludge' subject, much to my German teacher's disgust) and I have no doubt I will use it later in life. Unfortunately I am just not confident enough in my German skills to pass it on to my children, when Omi and Opi (my grandparents) are there I have no problem conversing with them in German, but I always feel like I am saying it wrong when I speak to Hazel or Briar (plus Jimmi's German skills are limited to asking for a coffee). Hopefully, all this time away from Hazel (and Briar too when he is weaned off breast milk) will pay off and and I will have two multi-lingual children and all the benefits that will come with.

our new little boy

    On a much cuter note, we are getting a new kitten tomorrow, Jimmi wants to call him Barry but I am leaning more towards Bruce. My house is slowly turning into a zoo, we already have a dog and four chickens, Jimmi's brother is trying to get us to take a pair of some strange looking fish off his hands and I wanted to get Hazel a pair of goldfish for her fish themed birthday party, Jimmi almost had me convinced to get her a bunny for her birthday too but (I think) I managed to put my foot down and say no to any more animals ( although admittedly all previous animals we acquired by me, sometimes without Jimmi's agreement or knowledge....)....... YAY! KITTEN!

fleeting fourth

Just a short one this week, it's Mother's Day and it's been a pretty good one considering I had to remind Jimmi this morning, and I only had one 'bad' day this week, yay me.

     I had a yummy porridge breakfast (not in bed because I had to get up to ask Jimmi if I was getting any breakfast made for me at all), and then my family came over for dinner and we had Noodle Tonight take-away (I had a rice box with tofu, which was very tasty, but I only got through half of it because it was super filling). I didn't get any presents today (except for a pretty pink flower that Hazel got from Kmart) because I was given all my presents earlier this week, I got a digital photo frame to display all the pictures I have of my pretty babies, a pretty bird shaped candle holder that I got myself and, my favourite, a steam mop. I love this thing, I have used it every day since I got it and my house has never looked cleaner, I never realised how much a clean house improves the overall visage of the house and every day the 'micro fibre' foot/sleeve/thingo picks up less dirt (goodness knows how long it had been since the carpet had been cleaned before we moved in). 

     I only went on one early morning walk this week, I've either slept through the alarm or Briar woke up at the same time, in fact the only time I did walk was because I stayed up until 3am and had a four hour nap afterwards. I will try and do better this week and I will start by giving you a round-about description of my weight (gulp). I have a goal weight, and I decided, if I reach my goal weight and stay within two kilos of that weight for twelve months I will (if it is there) get the extra skin removed (lets face it, bat wings are gross). unfortunately for me the amount of weight I need to lose to reach my goal is rather large, so I have a pre-goal goal, about 14 kilos higher than my goal and the weight I was pre-Hazel. I have 13 kilos to lose to to reach my pre-goal goal (it was 11 before Easter) but I am feeling rather optimistic this week so I hope to update you on weight loss, not gain, next week.

    my nails this week are very simple, a dry run design for my friends wedding next Saturday, my dress and shoes are red  and  my belt and stockings are black, I'm thinking some red lippy and a headband to complete my outfit, I might get you a picture.

Third time's a charm

I think my hormones have settled out this week, YAY, I had rather a rocky start to the week but I have been feeling a lot better in general. We crammed a whole lot into the last week; autumn festival, walking, hairstyling, all the while keeping my house in a reasonable condition (up to date on dishes and vacuuming up Hazel's mess every night), I even had my new oven installed.
   The most fun that Hazel, Briar and I had this week was going to the Steiner School Autumn Festival on the 1st of May. We go to the Steiner playgroup every Monday for stories and songs, fruit salad and bread making but this week on Wednesday we were invited down to the Port of Bairnsdale to have a picnic lunch and songs and a nature walk to celebrate the start of Autumn, one song was stuck in my head for days afterwards, I think I sung it when I was in kindergarten at a Steiner school (Hai ho the dairy oh, the farmer takes a wife), we opted out of the nature walk though as we had walked there and still had to walk home, plus it was absolutely freezing that day. I think Hazel really enjoyed being around all those kids and seeing her playgroup teacher though so it was worth the cold she caught and passed on to everyone else.
    Last week I mentioned that I wanted to go for a walk in the mornings but to do it without my kidlets it would have to be at 3.30am. I am proud to report that I walked on over half of last weeks walks (4/7) and two of the mornings I missed were because I had been out walking late the night before. I started out walking the block twice in 24 minutes and ended walking it twice in 23 minutes which pleased me a great deal. Unfortunately  for my walks, Briar has started waking at 3.30 for his morning feed instead of waiting until I got back like he did at the start. It means I have to either let him cry for 23 minutes (which wouldn't kill him but might wake Jimmi or Hazel) or set my alarm half an hour earlier again, I'm thinking of choosing the latter as I really don't see it working out with me waking even earlier. Also I have decided that starting tomorrow I will start slowly buildiing up to running around the block by running one house further each morning, I hope to report that I can run seven houses next week.

     The last four nights of this week (and a contributing factor to me not walking) is that I had been staying up  until 11 'dreading Jimmi's hair. If you don't know what it is think 'dirty hippie', it's purposely knotting your hair into chunks and can look very good on some people, the problem is unless you want to fork out hundreds of dollars at a hairdressers it is a very long and possibly unattractive process. I sped Jimmi's along by 'back combing' his hair so that the chunks formed but it will still take months for them to 'tighten and lock' properly. ( more information on dreads here --->http://www.dreadlocks.com/). I spent 20+ hours on his hair the past week and I think they look quite nice so he'd better keep them or I will not be a happy chappy.
     All in all I think I may be starting to doubt the conviction I had that I was going crazy, I also did my nails all pretty and 'ladybug themed'. I look forward to updating you all next week and hopefully reporting that I am getting more sleep.

Second

So I'll start this blog off by saying that my week was slightly more stressful than usual, my hormones are still all over the place and I had many things on my mind.
    As per usual that beautiful boy of mine was screaming more often than not, (although he has been sleeping for longer chunks at night) and I am a bit ashamed to admit that quite a few times this week I have wanted to put him down in the middle of the floor and walk away very quickly. I have of course not done this, but when these feelings creep in I do make sure he is fed and clean and then I swaddle him in a blanket and lay him down in his bassinet in the dark. Usually he is fast asleep within twenty minutes but if not I go and lay down with him to give him a top up on his milk and then he is fast asleep. This system works quite well, except for the tiny tantrums Hazel has if I 'go Nigh-Nighs' with Briar instead of playing with her, but some pencils and paper or a bottle of milo will usually keep her occupied. It also amazing to sleep in my own bed.
     Last week when I posted my blog I was staying with my step-mum +kym brown, while we were far, far away Jimmi put out poison for the mice that had moved into our house, it seemed logical, put the poison down while the toddler is elsewhere and unable to poison herself, of course then you have the combination of Jimmi forgetting ONE box of poison and my inability to watch her every second and you get a toddler running into the lounge room with a mouth stained blue from the pellets, (needless to say we will never be putting poison down again). Briar was thankfully fast asleep so I didn't have to worry about him in the ten minutes it took my friend, Meg, to get to my house to take us up to the emergency room. I think I might have been in shock because I literally could not think of what to do, I managed to have enough of my brain functioning to rinse her mouth out (although I don't think she appreciated me sticking her head under the running tap) and call Jimmi's work to tell him to meet us at the hospital (I think they thought I was lying because I didn't let myself freak out until Meg arrived and could supervise). When Meg did arrived she directed me to call the poisons hotline who told me that Hazel wouldn't have eaten enough pellets to have any effect because of the bittering agent and even if she did we couldn't test for it for at least 24 hours, of course I still rushed her up to the hospital, really I was hoping they could give her something to make her throw up, but they just called the poisons hotline themselves and told me the same thing., Jimmi arrived while the nurse was on the phone and I immediately burst into tears and he had to finish the conversation with the nurse. That all happened Friday, so Sunday morning we made the trip up to the hospital for her blood test, it took three tries and four people to hold her down but we finally got enough blood and the test came back clear, she had not eaten enough to be poisonous.
     After we had that worry taken off our chests I decided to get another off of mine, eight days after the birth of my son, which was nine weeks ago now, my partner, Jimmi, and I had unprotected sex for no other reason that we forgot (we've had to use protection maybe four months out of the last two and a half years). Now I was rather worried about this, some people might not think the chance of my getting pregnant would be very high but my first child was conceived via a one night stand and my second was conceived three months after coming off the pill and Jimmi had recently had surgery on his testicles ( a rather amusing story I might tell you one day) we are quite fertile, too fertile. So, I bought a pregnancy test today on the way back from the Hospital and took it in the McDonalds toilets. I am very happy (and conflictingly dissapointed) to report that I am NOT pregnant, while I have always dreamed of having five children, that is just not practical right now, I do actually want to pay off our mortgage and get out of Bairnsdale at some point.

    I feel much more relaxed than I did a few days ago, although I did realise that this blog is not about reading books like I thought (although I do fully intend to read and will write about it when I do) but I think this blog is actually to help me through this crazy stage, and the two other things that helped me feel good about myself this week were when I painted my nails today, (I can't really explain it but painting my nails is my vice, this week they are red with a black diamond on the ring fingers) and when I went for a my walks, so next week I hope to show you my new nails and report that I went for a run at three o'clock every morning (it has to be three am because Jimmi gets up for work at half past three and I would like these runs to be quiet reflect-y time for me without the children).

The First

So this is my very first blogging attempt, I am writing because of the encouragement coming from my Dads, +Daniel Mellmann and +David Ridsdale, and the knowledge that they and +kym brown will all read it and my words won't go nowhere. There is also the the heart-stopping fear that comes from the realisation that my brain is slowly crumbling into nothing and soon I fear I will no longer be able to carry out an intelligent conversation about anything other than 'Peppa Pig' or the colour of baby poo.
     

          I blame the crumbling of my brain on the two absolute joys of my life, my daughter, Hazel Rosa Priya Tantram, and my son, Briar Peter Gregory Tantram (writing out there full names was actually VERY necessary as I picked all of them for very important reasons and quite often feel they don't get used enough).
Anyone who knew me growing up will probably know of my love of animals, all animals, not just the cute ones, and the fact that I will be a Vet (note I used 'will' and not 'want to'). I made this decision sometime before the age of five and I believe before I even had a word to describe what it was that I actually wanted to do with my life (successful Veterinary Surgeon with five kids, man optional) and up until 29 months ago I was well on track to achieving this goal  (passing 7 of the 8 units of my university course, Bachelor of Animal and Veterinary Biosciences). I guess it really started just over four years ago when I met 'That One' (I feel I am too young and it is too early to really know if he is THE one but he is most certainly THAT one), I won't go into too much detail now, but the story of what happened then includes a girlfriend and under-aged drinking and did not end with any friendships intact, in fact, 'That One' did not speak to me for almost two years until we clumsily and not-quite-drunk-enough-edly slept together (not the first time for either of us but we were both still terribly inexperienced), quite a while after the girlfriend was out of the picture I hastily add. After that I left almost immediately to start what I was sure was the rest of my life filled with study montages and whirlwind romances. Disappointingly, the 'rest of my life' was a bit of a let down and when I finally came home for the summer holidays, a whole year later, I was well and truly (excuse my crass) ready to get laid, and I did. That alcohol and drug hazed night ended in pregnancy.
         

           I knew immediately that I was pregnant, I took a home pregnancy test that came up negative, I didn't believe it. I went to the doctors to take another, it lied to me too. I took a third and it came up positive, I found out eight days before Christmas 2010. I immediately texted my two closest girlfriends, one who responded with "What are you going to do?" (I don't speak to her any more)  and one who responded "Can I be the Dad?" (She's my Wifey). I would have been more than happy to take my Wifey up on her offer because 1) I love my Wifey and she would make a wonderful Father (or Mother), and 2) Jimmi (That One) and I were in no way in a relationship, but I felt obligated to give him a chance (a decision I occasionally regret but I've always gotten over it so far). he was, of course, shocked initially and then was wonderfully willing to embark on this scary journey with me (I was 18 and he was 19 at the time of conception). He loves to tell me how he was about to ask me out when I told him about the pregnancy and, although there is no way of proving the truth of those words, I love to hear it.

           I (quite ridiculously) tried to continue on with my studies full-time, a decision which lead to me throwing up multiple times nearly every morning because my morning sickness was morning-motion sickness? and it was a two hour trip to uni by public transport..... lets just say I failed everything and leave it at that. I left after the first semester and (against all better judgement) moved to Bairnsdale (where Jimmi grew up). I had grown up in the area and had gotten out as soon as I could. We rented a house from Jimmi's Mother's new girlfriend's ex-girlfriend (the joys of a small town) and were very happy, our daughter was born on the 26th of August at 11.41pm by way of emergency caesarean (her arm was doing funny things and although I wanted a natural birth I was not willing to dislocate her shoulder to have it). about seven weeks after she was born I had my "baby blues" I blamed it on having to put of my wants and a fear of only ever being 'Hazel's Mum' any more. I beat those feelings off by; going back to uni (bad decision) full-time (monumentally bad decision). Let's just say I failed everything and leave it at that (new baby, travelling eight hours every weekend).

            Then came the conscious decision to have a second child (many reasons, but mostly so I felt justified in leaving uni again). it took us three months to conceive after I came off the pill and I was happy again (if a little crazy/hormonal). When our lease was up we wanted to move but no one would rent to us quick enough and we made the decision to buy a house and actually bought a house in the span of eight days. We moved into our home sixteen days before Hazel's first birthday, I was three months pregnant. Six months later our son was born by way of a planned caesarean. he is eight weeks old today and I am starting to feel as if I have come around full circle, I can feel the "baby blues" starting to creep into my mind again, fuelled by my feelings of stupidity and inadequacy the same as last time but with the added worries of 'Does Jimmi even like me any more or is it just easier for him to put up with me than actually leave me?' (just something I worry about) and 'Why is my baby so upset all the time?' When Hazel was a little baby she was happy, she would cry when she had a reason to and occasionally had bad days, but Briar doesn't ever seem to be happy for more than five minutes, currently he is lying in the dark and has been crying for more than four hours, with short breaks for feeds and jiggling, which never seem to help for long, he doesn't seem to be in pain, but I worry because, what if it's my unhappiness seeping through into him? What if he is like this his whole life? I listen to him and he just sounds sort of pathetic, I really hope it is the change n my hormone levels that is making me imagine all of these non-existent problems.

     Aaaahhh went a bit further into that than I intended, oh well, I only wanted to touch on that to say that instead of trying to go back to study to get away from these feelings I am attempting to get back to reading instead, my goal is to read every book on the Dymocks 101 list (http://www.dymocks.com.au/Booklovers/101club.aspx) in no particular time frame (maybe before I die?) and after I've done that (possibly could take a while as some bright spark put the fecking bible on the list, but hey) I will re-evaluate the whole 'return to study' option, maybe a TAFE or short course to start off with and then see how I go. So far I have read the following ; 
1. The Harry Potter series - J K Rowling 
2. The Hunger Games trilogy - Suzanne Collins 
3. The Hobbit - J R R Tolkein
4. Twilight - Stephanie Meyer
5. The Power of One - Bryce Courtenay
6. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
7. Little Women - Louise May Alcott
8. The Mortal Instruments series - Cassandra Clare
9. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
10. Mao's last Dancer - Li Cunxin
11. Looking for Alaska - John Green
12. My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult
13. Vampire Acadamey - Richelle Mead
14. The Magic Faraway Tree - Enid Blyton
15. The Catcher in the Rye - J D Salinger
16. Eragon - Christopher Paolini
17. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - C S Lewis
18. The Host - Stephanie Meyer

I have 82 books to go.
           That's probably enough of a ramble for the first blog and I will apologise for and grammatical errors as if I proof read it I will probably get too nervous to post it.