Hello, my name is Jarra and a few weeks ago I tried to kill myself.
For those of you who know me I'm sure this will come as a bit of a shock. You are also probably not too pleased about finding out this way, but honestly, is there a way I could tell you that would make you happy? It would be really easy for me to point my finger at my children and say 'it was them, they drove me crazy' but that wouldn't even be a little bit accurate. I will start by telling you that I took 28 paracetamol tablets because I saw them on the floor and thought 'Pills? People kill themselves with pills and I want to die, I wonder how many I should take?'. You can tell it was a very spontaneous decision and I didn't plan it at all, mainly because I didn't even Google it to see if it would work (I later found out that is an incredibly painful death over 7-10 days, good choice Jarra).
Later, when Jimmi came in to see if I had stopped crying (he was getting pretty sick of me crying all the time at this point) I told him what I had done and he went off to Google it. Unfortunately he googled 'penicillin overdose' by mistake so we spent the first half hour thinking I was going to be just fine. After we realised he called the ambulance for me and I was treated. I had to stay in hospital for a couple of nights but they let me out for Halloween.
I'm still not convinced it was me who made the decision to take the tablets, I mean, I remember taking the tablets but it is not something I ever thought myself capable of doing, and not something I'm dying to try again (badpun). But I guess unless you have been in that state yourself you probably can't understand it at all either.
I have postnatal depression, caused by hormone imbalances completely beyond my control. I realise that that talking to people was an option so when people say 'maybe you should talk to me next time' it seems a bit silly, I did consider talking to people, I dropped a few subtle hints, but ultimately I felt like if I stood up and declared my depression that I would be labeled an attention seeker, or told to suck it up because I CHOSE to have two children close together, well now, I call bullshit! As I said before {hormone imbalance} {beyond my control}. Maybe if there was less stigma around mental health I would have felt able to open up sooner and my condition wouldn't have escalated.
I am proud to say that I fall into the 'good enough' category of mothers, my house is MUM! perfectly clean, it is good enough. My children do not eat only organic food and never have lollies or take-away but they eat plenty of fruit and vegetables and that is good enough. I let my kids watch a lot of t.v., but it is mostly dvds and all approved by me and that is good enough. I did not baby-proof my house like crazy when Briar was born, in fact yesterday I put him on the floor and just followed him around picking up and moving everything he touched that he shouldn't, we made it into a game that Hazel joined in on and I spent time with my kids rather than trying to appear perfect, and that is good enough for me.
It doesn't really matter to me anymore if your idea of a 'good enough' mum matches my idea of a 'good enough' mum. I learnt a lot from ALL my parents (what to do AND what not to do) and I am doing my very best, of course there will always be ways I want to better myself, but I think that could be really healthy if I'm not too hard on myself.
I am a good enough mum, and I want everyone to know it!
